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| Me and my grand-daughter. (photo by Jaipi Sixbear copyright 2011) |
My daughter and I are way too much alike.
I look at her, making the same mistakes I did at her age and I just want her to relax. Mostly, I want her to stop putting everyone (be it man, co-worker or child) before herself. I'm a living example of why that's a bad idea. I'm suffering now for the time I didn't spend on my own good mental and physical health as a young parent. That is not the future I want for her or my grand-kids.
How can parents and grand-parents find that middle ground?
It's OK to want the best for your kids. It's not OK to neglect yourself in the process. I make sure I take time each and every day to address my own needs. I also remind myself that I can't be the best grand-parent until I've found peace within myself. Of course, it's also bad to only worry about yourself. There has to be a balance.
I sometimes get way too carried away with being Grandma.
I want my grand-kids to have a wonderful childhood. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, is there? On the surface, not at all. The thing is that if I haven't done absolutely everything to insure that they do, I feel like an inadequate Grandma. I'm not, of course. I'm just replaying my old habit of doing everything for everyone but myself
Why is doing it all for kids and grand-kids such a bad idea?
Kids need a certain amount of struggle to learn and grow. Taking away their burdens and struggles denies them the ability to do for themselves. So, although it sounds kind, it's actually quite the opposite.
So, we come full circle.
I watch my daughter trying to catch my tail. We're both trying to be something no human being will ever be. There is no perfect in parenting or grand-parenting. Don't get me wrong. Most of the time we both knock parenting out of the park. We're good at what we do or have done for our kids. We're awesome parents. We're just not that great at what we do for ourselves.
Why is it so impossible to be a perfect grand-parent?
Simply put, we are all human beings here. Life is not a 60 second TV commercial, or a 30 minute sitcom, where problems melt away at the end of the show. Life is not scripted. It's full of highs and lows and things don't always work out in the end. Kids need to know that in order to survive life. In fact, the highs and lows are good for us adults too. We're not perfect because life is not perfect.
Then the conflict nails me.
You can only spend so much time on other people's problems before you begin to resent the fact that you have no time for the things you have set out to do in life. For me, my main goal has been finding that inner peace, that connection where all is right with the world. As a parent, that's pretty hard to find, even if you're not a caretaker type. As a grand-parent who's been there and done that, it's practically impossible.
How do I find that balance as a grand-parent?
I try to focus on the possible, rather than the ridiculously long to-do list in my head. There is only so much time in the day, after all. While I may want to do everything for my kids and grand-kids, I have to prioritize.
So, where is the peace?
I think for me, it's somewhere in between being Super Grandma and Good Enough Grandma. Yup, from now on, I'm going to work on letting go a little at a time. I've spent a lifetime taking care of others. Now it's truly time to take care of myself. Have you heard the saying, Let go and let live ?
What's the overall goal?
For me, I have to find enough peace within myself to allow others to be their own heroes. Finding peace in grand-parenting is a challenge for this Grandma. Still, I know I can be my own hero too. I just have to pay as much attention to myself as I do to everyone else.
This post was previously published by this author on Yahoo!
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